Ramblings.

It's weird, a week from tomorrow I'll finally see my Dream Concert.

Sadly, I won't be able to meet them-but I've learned to be gracious to even have this opportunity. I've followed the GazettE ever since I was in High School, it was ten years ago that I popped in the mix that my friend had made me into the CD player and gave them a shot. At the time I thought it was just another band I'd casually listen to, I never thought that I would go this far and for this long.

It got to the point where even my family began to notice my obsession [though usually it's not hard for them to notice, especially my sister.]. At first they made fun of it, even to this day they poke fun at it-but they never discouraged me either.

When I was in High School especially, I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression. Listening to that mixed CD [which ironically, I still have] when I got home from school calmed it a little.

Little by little, I interacted with the fandom-got to see some of my friends see their moment and was jealous and scared that I never would get the chance. Then I had thought to myself 'Well, why does it matter if I see them or not? I still support them no matter what they do.' I suppose I felt that I would never have that moment, that I wouldn't be able to see them.

I haven't eve come to the realization that I am seeing them quite yet. I won't be able to believe it until it actually happens.

Ah, I'm just gonna end this here before it gets too sappy.

Goodnight.

Within a Year, I would have seen all my dream concerts.

Last year, I found out the Symphony of Goddesses were going to be in Salt Lake. I was so excited, and of course I bought tickets. It was a great experience for both me and my boyfriend, I nearly cried when they played the main theme to the Legend of Zelda and all around I got to be a total nerd. Not to mention that the next day we went to Anime Banzai.

Then Coldrain announced they were also coming to Salt Lake, and I bought tickets for me and my brother. The experience was also amazing and I also got to meet two band members [and waved at RxYxO-sadly I didn't meet him]. Masato was sweet, and Katsuma was shy and also sweet. It was a great experience and tbh I would've seen them again in Las Vegas if it weren't for circumstances.

And then if you go back six or so years ago, I saw my favorite band [next to the GazettE of couse] at the time. Flyleaf, with the original singer-and it was the last time she had been in Utah as well. I was so happy for that to be my official first concert. Lacey was amazing live, and if she came back to Utah I'd definitely see her again.

At the time Lindsey Stirling had been a dream concert, but if I had a choice I wouldn't see her again. I stopped listening to her.

Linkin Park was another dream concert, and I'd probably see them again. Chester is amazing live and to be honest they're probably the best band I've seen live aside from Coldrain.

[Also for Coldrain, I was front row and even got to high five Masato XD]

So naturally when the GazettE announces they're going to California, I instantly buy tickets. I couldn't afford to buy my brothers, but he's going to California with me. He's going to go to Six Flags [with my other brother] while I go do GazettE-related stuff. I can't tell you enough how excited I am, and to realize that this is the final Dream Concert [that I know of] that is going to come true.

My friend from High School even knows how much this means to me, she stated 'You've loved them since High School! That's cool that you're going to go!'

I don't know, I guess I just obsessed over them for too long. Until this, I had given up on ever seeing them.

[My brain is fried, so I'm ending it here. XD]

Why BardXMeyrin might be the best ship in Kuroshitsuji.

When I first immersed myself in the kuroshitsuji fandom fully, I was Nina Hopkins on kurotumblr. [That blog is long since deleted]

I began to delve myself into the fandom, and to be honest I had quite the following on that blog. My huge following probably wouldn't come until I made Bard [Bardalicious] and that's when I began to immerse myself even more. Bard was probably my best roleplay blog, and still is. Probably because of how much I love Bardroy, and how good of a character he is.

But I already wrote a post about that, that's not what I'm here to talk about.

So usually, I found solace in CielXLizzy for a while. Even though, I used it mainly as a coping ship and to be honest-that's not the healthiest ship. [I've come to learn this, so I don't ship them as much as I used to-if at all. Platonically mainly now.]

When I met my official Meyrin, that's when my OTP became the OTP.

Look at them, standing next to each other being badasses. Badass couple ftw.

My first serious roleplay was with a Meyrin, though she's not active now-I still consider her my official Meyrin. [thephantomhivemaid if anyone is wondering!] Our muses interacted in the most sweet way, and I was able to draw on Bard's more gentle side. And I also began to notice different ways that Bard treats Meyrin as opposed to Finny and Snake. [And Sebastian, but again that's another post for another time.]

For almost two years straight we were making alternate universes, even naming their [future] children. Almost all my favorite threads involve MeyrinXBard, and to this day they're still my favorite ship.

And here is why-

• Meyrin is a sweetheart, but she's also tough. She knows how to take charge when Bard is being....well a butt. ["Milk is good for you, so drink it!"-Meyrin looking out for the butt of a chef -and Finny] 
• Sebastian just isn't good for Meyrin-not to mention it would be downright impossible for those two to be together. Or for Sebastian to have any sort of feelings towards her-as he's wanted to murder her before. Bardroy actually treats her decently, though she's not exempt from his rudeness. That's why she has to keep him line. [:
• The two would really have adorable children. Can you imagine babies running amuck with blue eyes and reddish-amaranth hair?
• And yes, I'm going to be one of those annoying shippy girls and say "Well, the author puts them together a lot!" You: BUT THEY'RE ALWAYS TOGETHER???? "THAT'S THE POINT!" 

 Case in point-the Easter chapter.

The best team EVER.

JUST. LOOK. HOW. ADORABLE.

Poor Meyrin. She didn't ask for this.

And then during the Green Witch arc.

HE LEANS AGAINST HER AND LETS HER HAVE THE CHAIR. WHAT A GENTLEMAN.

So in conclusion-do you have to ship Bardrin? No. Should you consider it? Maybe.

That is all. [I'm tired, so I'll revise this later.]

About my life.

I'm pretty sure I'm not unique in growing up listening to music. So this isn't going to be a post about how I'm 'special' because my parents listened to the Beatles, the Eagles, Carlos Santana etc. and I happened to like them.

I also grew up with six older siblings, being the youngest out of seven. Needless to say my music influence is based on what my brothers/sister listen to. Though despite this, I feel like we all have our own personal taste in music and what bands/musicians we like. If you know me, my favorite band is the GazettE and has been for over 9 years now.

My interests for the longest time strayed towards the Japanese spectrum of music, with a side of Lady Gaga and Paramore and Flyleaf. And Linkin Park. [Okay, let's move forward before I start listing all the musicians I listen to.]

I'm going to admit however, when it comes to music-I am very stubborn.

I do love songs I can dance to [Lady Gaga], and I love music I can chill to [Misterwives]. I love discovering new music, however I love doing that on my own terms. If you tell me that I will LOVE a band, most likely I will ward off listening to them for a long time. My brother does this with me, especially when it comes to Japanese music. [Case in point-Maximum the Hormone. I'm sure they are very talented, I'm just a stubborn mule.]

When I get interested in a band, if it turns out well for me-I sit and I listen to their entire discography. I look up lyrics, I download from itunes and all that jazz. If I like them a little, I get the songs I do like and I have a few songs on my Ipod from them. [This bothers my sister, but meh]

When Aoi [from the GazettE] tweeted about this album he absolutely loved, from a band he loved-I thought to myself. "Well if Aoi thinks they're good, maybe I will too!"

And so, I listened to Six Feet Under by coldrain.

This was about 9 months [?] ago. Since then I spent countless days discovering more of their music, and growing to love them as a band.  I haven't really done something like this since Flyleaf, and defintiely not since the GazettE/Kagrra.

Before I get to the concert bit, I want people to realize this about me. Though I don't know for certain, I tend to suffer from social [?] anxiety, and I've dealt with bouts of depression. Most days I feel stuck, hell last Saturday I didn't even leave bed. I don't ever wanna leave bed unless I absolutely have to nowadays.

Listening to the GazettE was my safe-haven. Reading their interviews was my safe-haven, being in the FANDOM used to be my safe-haven. While the fandom has indeed become more toxic than I'd like to admit-it's still my safe-haven to a certain extent. I use this as my escape from having to deal with my actual emotions, and my own problems. Probably not the healthiest thing for me to do, but it's what I got.

So when I discovered Coldrain, I was really surprised to find another band I could use to help me throughout the day. Not only that, Masato's lyrics of keep pushing forward with life and fighting through things helped me a lot.

And when I learned that I had an opportunity to see them live, I jumped on it. I went to the nearest smiths and got the tickets. [lol I had to get one for my brother too, since my dad thinks I'm gonna die at a Lindsey Stirling Concert of all places-so I figured he wouldn't want me to do this alone either.] I was so excited, I even ran in my house to scream at my friend [Reida] about it. [Well, more capslocking her to death]

Last Sunday I finally saw them. It was a small venue, and I was so close I felt like I could touch them. I almost cried! [I also waved at RxYxO and he waved back at me-idk if he really did actually- and I died]

Aside from that, I also discovered even MORE MUSIC. Northlane is awesome and I even met a local band called Divisions!

After Coldrain's set I got a high five from Masato, and even as I type this out now the whole set/experience is imprinted in my mind. I can remember almost everything. I've been to a lot of concerts, and I can tell you that Coldrain is the best band I've seen so far. And I've seen Linkin Park live!

I even got a picture with Masato, and met Katsuma as well! [I didn't get a picture with Katsuma, my social anxiety kicked in and I didn't want to bother him. I even was anxious about bothering Masato..]

Where am I going with this anyways? lol

I'm a very...anxious person, introverted....quiet [unless I really know you]. I don't like to be around crowds, I won't go if I don't have to.

But.....going to concerts? Especially to the bands that you love? Totally worth it.

Coldrain was worth going out of my comfort zone for. I've been having a hard time lately, and this has definitely helped lift my spirits.

So thank you Coldrain.

Thank you Northlane too.

This girl feels like she can take on the world now.

Dear LDS Leaders and other LDS members.

When I was in primary I learned the articles of faith. Though to be honest I could not tell you all of them, but I do remember one saying that we are not responsible for Adam's transgression. So that meant we were not at fault for our parents choices, but our own-we are accountable for our own lives and mistakes.

So why are you taking the parent's lifestyle out on innocent children? I thought being baptized was supposed to be the child's decision, so why are you taking it away from them simply because the parents are gay? Why are they expected to revoke their parents the day they turn 18 to even be eligible to join your Church?

Why do they have to turn away from the people who cared for them and raised them?

You preach and preach that family is the most important thing that we have on this planet, so why are you telling these children they are not welcome in your family because of how their parents are? These children are loved, cared for-and happy. If they want to find faith in your religion their parents are not going to stop them, but you are making it clear that these children are not welcome.

When they turn 18, they will not even think to come to your house. They will not consider the church, because they had ten years to lament over the fact that you turned them away when they were the most vulnerable.

And to the LDS members who are blindly defending this-may I ask you a question. Why are you so blind?

Have faith in what you want, you have the freedom-but why do you support the freedom of those children being taken away? Why do you support families being torn apart? Why do you expect those children to be molded into your perfect ideology, when all these children want from you is to be accepted?

When I was 8 I was told I needed to be baptized, and I had the freedom to do so. I only did it because it was expected of me, but I was still able to.

Why do you expect people to respect your faith and your beliefs, when your Church Leaders are turning away the most innocent of beings because their parents happen to be gay? Why do you expect people to come to your faith when all they do is tear others down for being who they are, hiding behind a facade of 'support' and 'love'.

This is not love.

This is bigotry at it's finest.

So Church Leaders, why are you turning the innocent away from being closer to God? While I may not believe in the faith myself, I wish for everyone to have the freedom to believe in what they want.

You're turning people away, and it's your own fault.

"When will you have children?" Never. Stop asking.

This is something most girls are asked, and definitely something that was rooted in my brain since the day I joined Young Womens.

Personally, I've never wanted children. While I don't hate children, I just don't see myself ever being a mother and I definitely do not have the time for it. I'm tired a lot, and with the career I want to go into I would require time to focus on myself rather than worry whether or not Sally had a nap. [I know, that sounded cruel-but it's the truth]

I've been watching my nephew since he was an infant. And I can tell you one thing, children are selfish. Of course they're still learning, but every time Harley throws a tantrum because he didn't get something-I age. Well, I'm aging either way-but that's how it feels like. When I get off a seven hour shift, after having worked since the early mornings-I just can't deal with his tantrums and his pouting.

I'm stressed out because I got yelled at by Miss Johnson because her soda pop didn't ring up at the right price. Or my boss thought I wasn't doing the job I was supposed to be doing even though my other supervisor told me to do it.

I get turned off by the thought of children as well.

I met this guy at work, who worked for Coke [and he was in the military]. For whatever reason we started to talk, and exchange numbers. He was a pretty nice guy, don't get me wrong-and I didn't even care that he had a kid. But when he asked me out on a date-the first thing he told me was that he wanted another child and suggested that we could make cute children.

I never wanted to talk to him again. [I also found out he had another child, so...] That whole entire date was awkward after that, he even did that stupid pretend to yawn and put his arm around my shoulder thing. The only reason I let him was because he was my ride home from the movie, I didn't want to have to call my dad to come get me.

It appears also that whenever I went on one date, or seemed like a date-my mom announced it to everyone. The Relief Society, the people in her ward, her work-my cousins. It didn't matter who or where we were-she had to say "Well Ashley got a date this friday night! The boy is in the military!"

"Oh when will you get married and have kids?"

What?

What?!

I went on one date, even after that I still stopped talking to him and I went back to dating my ex girlfriend. At least if I was dating her there were no expectations of babies coming out of my vag. [Then she said that if we had kids, I was gonna be the one who was getting pregnant. Fuck that shit.]

Two years later and I meet my current boyfriend. [I met him at a bar at an anime convention-how nerdy can one get?] And I will state that I'm usually not that outgoing, the only words I intended to say to him was "can I sit here?" cause we were sitting in a fire pit. He said yes and then I continued to babble to him about stupid shit.

[I don't even remember what I talked about, all I remember is that I was like "Lets go to the rave" and we proceeded to just stand there and go back to the bar. Hm. Then he ditched me for rum. Which he will deny, but he did.]

When we started dating officially, once again my mom went to her friends and I got bombarded with questions of the same sort. I choose to simply stay silent in these situations, as my parent's friends tend to think that two months of a relationship automatically means we're ready for marriage. It's just something that's expected of girls around my area, but something I never really thought of.

If a girl brings up the fact that she doesn't want children, do not tell her that she is going to change her mind. 


I have lost count of how many people have told me this, especially from my own family. Hearing it from them is annoying enough, I do not need to hear it from you. My brother's friend [who is annoying btw] got into an argument with me about this.

Him: So when are you and your bf gonna get married and have kids?
Me: I don't want kids.
Him: What about him?
Me: ...He doesn't want kids either.
Him: You're gonna change your mind.
Me: Nope.
Him: Yes!
Me: Nope.

Excuse me? Are you suddenly an expert on what I want with my life?

So before you ask this question to a girl, if she tells you no-take it how it is.

No, means no.
 

Let's talk about Aoi!

If you know me at all, you'll all know that I'm a super fan of Aoi.

When I first saw him back in my Sophomore year of High School, I was awestruck. I thought to myself, 'who is this beautiful creature and what can I do to learn more about him?'. I never thought I would continue on with this, as back in the day I had phases where I would fangirl over a guy [like Billy Joe Armstrong, AND the singer for Simple Plan, etc] and it would just simply be dropped a couple of months later.

Not Aoi.

This obsession, if that's what you want to call it-spans on for almost a decade. Yes, I just admitted it to everyone. I have been a fangirl of the GazettE for that long, and my bias as always been Aoi for just as long.

When I got into J-rock bands the thing I loved most was to look up interviews, and I did a lot of that with Kagrra,. So it's no surprise that I would do the same once I got into the GazettE, but I found myself caring more what Aoi said than what the others had the say. I'm going to even admit that I skipped what Reita and the others had to say in favor of what Aoi said-no matter how grumpy he was.

And he's pretty grumpy! I mean the guy flat out says 'this is stupid' a lot in interviews. Wouldn't want to be the one interviewing him at that point. But then again, he is me. Yes, I love Aoi so much because I relate to him a lot.

The thing that attracted me at first was how Aoi played the guitar. He is a wonderful guitar player, especially when it comes to solos. Case in point: Sugar Pain|Nausea&Shudder|Cassis|Without a Trace and so on. Also, he is a GREAT composers. As far as my knowledge goes, he did compose Sugar Pain and he composed Burial Applicant.

If you don't know me, you must know-I am a sucker for acoustic guitar and any sort of guitar. I mean, I grew up on Carlos Santana AND Michelle Branch for hell's sake.  Aoi does this very well, and it saddens me at times when I read interviews where he talks about how he doesn't have that skill. He doesn't seem to have any confidence in himself, though you wouldn't know by watching him onstage.

Look at him, this just SCREAMS confidence right?

Don't get me wrong-I like Uruha and he's a talented guitar player! But he overshadows Aoi a lot, and it's sort of upsetting for me when fans say that it's the other way around. Because it really isn't! I hear about how Uruha is a wonderful guitarist [AND HE IS] but let's give credit to the rhythm guitarist as well! If anything, Aoi deserves to have as many solos as Uruha does! I mean, we all heard Nausea&Shudder right, RIGHT?!

Aoi and Uruha, well despite all this-they play well together. You don't find a lot of bands where both the lead and rhythm have solos-and I'm glad that they implement each other's strong suits. And I'm sure they argue a bit-I mean they're in a band, it'd be frightening if they didn't argue. But I'm so happy that Aoi never left like he intended to.

Aoi didn't leave because of the fans. And possibly because Ruki and Uruha sat him down, but I believe most of it was due to the fans.

If Aoi left the GazettE, I couldn't handle it.

Let me get to the last point of this post and that's who Aoi is as a person. We all know from his twitter that he's quite the sensitive guy, and he has a lot of opinions that we all don't agree with from time to time. That is just who he is as a person, and this may just me being extremely bias-but I accept him for it.

There is not a single person in that band/crew that is perfect.

Though one thing for sure, if you're a friend of Aoi's-you're going to get treated well. Aoi cares about his friends, does things for them. He's the big brother who wants to take care of everyone and I LOVE HIM FOR IT.

THIS IS WHY I LOVE AOI.

I will scream to the heavens about this until I can no longer scream.