About my life.

I'm pretty sure I'm not unique in growing up listening to music. So this isn't going to be a post about how I'm 'special' because my parents listened to the Beatles, the Eagles, Carlos Santana etc. and I happened to like them.

I also grew up with six older siblings, being the youngest out of seven. Needless to say my music influence is based on what my brothers/sister listen to. Though despite this, I feel like we all have our own personal taste in music and what bands/musicians we like. If you know me, my favorite band is the GazettE and has been for over 9 years now.

My interests for the longest time strayed towards the Japanese spectrum of music, with a side of Lady Gaga and Paramore and Flyleaf. And Linkin Park. [Okay, let's move forward before I start listing all the musicians I listen to.]

I'm going to admit however, when it comes to music-I am very stubborn.

I do love songs I can dance to [Lady Gaga], and I love music I can chill to [Misterwives]. I love discovering new music, however I love doing that on my own terms. If you tell me that I will LOVE a band, most likely I will ward off listening to them for a long time. My brother does this with me, especially when it comes to Japanese music. [Case in point-Maximum the Hormone. I'm sure they are very talented, I'm just a stubborn mule.]

When I get interested in a band, if it turns out well for me-I sit and I listen to their entire discography. I look up lyrics, I download from itunes and all that jazz. If I like them a little, I get the songs I do like and I have a few songs on my Ipod from them. [This bothers my sister, but meh]

When Aoi [from the GazettE] tweeted about this album he absolutely loved, from a band he loved-I thought to myself. "Well if Aoi thinks they're good, maybe I will too!"

And so, I listened to Six Feet Under by coldrain.

This was about 9 months [?] ago. Since then I spent countless days discovering more of their music, and growing to love them as a band.  I haven't really done something like this since Flyleaf, and defintiely not since the GazettE/Kagrra.

Before I get to the concert bit, I want people to realize this about me. Though I don't know for certain, I tend to suffer from social [?] anxiety, and I've dealt with bouts of depression. Most days I feel stuck, hell last Saturday I didn't even leave bed. I don't ever wanna leave bed unless I absolutely have to nowadays.

Listening to the GazettE was my safe-haven. Reading their interviews was my safe-haven, being in the FANDOM used to be my safe-haven. While the fandom has indeed become more toxic than I'd like to admit-it's still my safe-haven to a certain extent. I use this as my escape from having to deal with my actual emotions, and my own problems. Probably not the healthiest thing for me to do, but it's what I got.

So when I discovered Coldrain, I was really surprised to find another band I could use to help me throughout the day. Not only that, Masato's lyrics of keep pushing forward with life and fighting through things helped me a lot.

And when I learned that I had an opportunity to see them live, I jumped on it. I went to the nearest smiths and got the tickets. [lol I had to get one for my brother too, since my dad thinks I'm gonna die at a Lindsey Stirling Concert of all places-so I figured he wouldn't want me to do this alone either.] I was so excited, I even ran in my house to scream at my friend [Reida] about it. [Well, more capslocking her to death]

Last Sunday I finally saw them. It was a small venue, and I was so close I felt like I could touch them. I almost cried! [I also waved at RxYxO and he waved back at me-idk if he really did actually- and I died]

Aside from that, I also discovered even MORE MUSIC. Northlane is awesome and I even met a local band called Divisions!

After Coldrain's set I got a high five from Masato, and even as I type this out now the whole set/experience is imprinted in my mind. I can remember almost everything. I've been to a lot of concerts, and I can tell you that Coldrain is the best band I've seen so far. And I've seen Linkin Park live!

I even got a picture with Masato, and met Katsuma as well! [I didn't get a picture with Katsuma, my social anxiety kicked in and I didn't want to bother him. I even was anxious about bothering Masato..]

Where am I going with this anyways? lol

I'm a very...anxious person, introverted....quiet [unless I really know you]. I don't like to be around crowds, I won't go if I don't have to.

But.....going to concerts? Especially to the bands that you love? Totally worth it.

Coldrain was worth going out of my comfort zone for. I've been having a hard time lately, and this has definitely helped lift my spirits.

So thank you Coldrain.

Thank you Northlane too.

This girl feels like she can take on the world now.

Dear LDS Leaders and other LDS members.

When I was in primary I learned the articles of faith. Though to be honest I could not tell you all of them, but I do remember one saying that we are not responsible for Adam's transgression. So that meant we were not at fault for our parents choices, but our own-we are accountable for our own lives and mistakes.

So why are you taking the parent's lifestyle out on innocent children? I thought being baptized was supposed to be the child's decision, so why are you taking it away from them simply because the parents are gay? Why are they expected to revoke their parents the day they turn 18 to even be eligible to join your Church?

Why do they have to turn away from the people who cared for them and raised them?

You preach and preach that family is the most important thing that we have on this planet, so why are you telling these children they are not welcome in your family because of how their parents are? These children are loved, cared for-and happy. If they want to find faith in your religion their parents are not going to stop them, but you are making it clear that these children are not welcome.

When they turn 18, they will not even think to come to your house. They will not consider the church, because they had ten years to lament over the fact that you turned them away when they were the most vulnerable.

And to the LDS members who are blindly defending this-may I ask you a question. Why are you so blind?

Have faith in what you want, you have the freedom-but why do you support the freedom of those children being taken away? Why do you support families being torn apart? Why do you expect those children to be molded into your perfect ideology, when all these children want from you is to be accepted?

When I was 8 I was told I needed to be baptized, and I had the freedom to do so. I only did it because it was expected of me, but I was still able to.

Why do you expect people to respect your faith and your beliefs, when your Church Leaders are turning away the most innocent of beings because their parents happen to be gay? Why do you expect people to come to your faith when all they do is tear others down for being who they are, hiding behind a facade of 'support' and 'love'.

This is not love.

This is bigotry at it's finest.

So Church Leaders, why are you turning the innocent away from being closer to God? While I may not believe in the faith myself, I wish for everyone to have the freedom to believe in what they want.

You're turning people away, and it's your own fault.

"When will you have children?" Never. Stop asking.

This is something most girls are asked, and definitely something that was rooted in my brain since the day I joined Young Womens.

Personally, I've never wanted children. While I don't hate children, I just don't see myself ever being a mother and I definitely do not have the time for it. I'm tired a lot, and with the career I want to go into I would require time to focus on myself rather than worry whether or not Sally had a nap. [I know, that sounded cruel-but it's the truth]

I've been watching my nephew since he was an infant. And I can tell you one thing, children are selfish. Of course they're still learning, but every time Harley throws a tantrum because he didn't get something-I age. Well, I'm aging either way-but that's how it feels like. When I get off a seven hour shift, after having worked since the early mornings-I just can't deal with his tantrums and his pouting.

I'm stressed out because I got yelled at by Miss Johnson because her soda pop didn't ring up at the right price. Or my boss thought I wasn't doing the job I was supposed to be doing even though my other supervisor told me to do it.

I get turned off by the thought of children as well.

I met this guy at work, who worked for Coke [and he was in the military]. For whatever reason we started to talk, and exchange numbers. He was a pretty nice guy, don't get me wrong-and I didn't even care that he had a kid. But when he asked me out on a date-the first thing he told me was that he wanted another child and suggested that we could make cute children.

I never wanted to talk to him again. [I also found out he had another child, so...] That whole entire date was awkward after that, he even did that stupid pretend to yawn and put his arm around my shoulder thing. The only reason I let him was because he was my ride home from the movie, I didn't want to have to call my dad to come get me.

It appears also that whenever I went on one date, or seemed like a date-my mom announced it to everyone. The Relief Society, the people in her ward, her work-my cousins. It didn't matter who or where we were-she had to say "Well Ashley got a date this friday night! The boy is in the military!"

"Oh when will you get married and have kids?"

What?

What?!

I went on one date, even after that I still stopped talking to him and I went back to dating my ex girlfriend. At least if I was dating her there were no expectations of babies coming out of my vag. [Then she said that if we had kids, I was gonna be the one who was getting pregnant. Fuck that shit.]

Two years later and I meet my current boyfriend. [I met him at a bar at an anime convention-how nerdy can one get?] And I will state that I'm usually not that outgoing, the only words I intended to say to him was "can I sit here?" cause we were sitting in a fire pit. He said yes and then I continued to babble to him about stupid shit.

[I don't even remember what I talked about, all I remember is that I was like "Lets go to the rave" and we proceeded to just stand there and go back to the bar. Hm. Then he ditched me for rum. Which he will deny, but he did.]

When we started dating officially, once again my mom went to her friends and I got bombarded with questions of the same sort. I choose to simply stay silent in these situations, as my parent's friends tend to think that two months of a relationship automatically means we're ready for marriage. It's just something that's expected of girls around my area, but something I never really thought of.

If a girl brings up the fact that she doesn't want children, do not tell her that she is going to change her mind. 


I have lost count of how many people have told me this, especially from my own family. Hearing it from them is annoying enough, I do not need to hear it from you. My brother's friend [who is annoying btw] got into an argument with me about this.

Him: So when are you and your bf gonna get married and have kids?
Me: I don't want kids.
Him: What about him?
Me: ...He doesn't want kids either.
Him: You're gonna change your mind.
Me: Nope.
Him: Yes!
Me: Nope.

Excuse me? Are you suddenly an expert on what I want with my life?

So before you ask this question to a girl, if she tells you no-take it how it is.

No, means no.
 

Let's talk about Aoi!

If you know me at all, you'll all know that I'm a super fan of Aoi.

When I first saw him back in my Sophomore year of High School, I was awestruck. I thought to myself, 'who is this beautiful creature and what can I do to learn more about him?'. I never thought I would continue on with this, as back in the day I had phases where I would fangirl over a guy [like Billy Joe Armstrong, AND the singer for Simple Plan, etc] and it would just simply be dropped a couple of months later.

Not Aoi.

This obsession, if that's what you want to call it-spans on for almost a decade. Yes, I just admitted it to everyone. I have been a fangirl of the GazettE for that long, and my bias as always been Aoi for just as long.

When I got into J-rock bands the thing I loved most was to look up interviews, and I did a lot of that with Kagrra,. So it's no surprise that I would do the same once I got into the GazettE, but I found myself caring more what Aoi said than what the others had the say. I'm going to even admit that I skipped what Reita and the others had to say in favor of what Aoi said-no matter how grumpy he was.

And he's pretty grumpy! I mean the guy flat out says 'this is stupid' a lot in interviews. Wouldn't want to be the one interviewing him at that point. But then again, he is me. Yes, I love Aoi so much because I relate to him a lot.

The thing that attracted me at first was how Aoi played the guitar. He is a wonderful guitar player, especially when it comes to solos. Case in point: Sugar Pain|Nausea&Shudder|Cassis|Without a Trace and so on. Also, he is a GREAT composers. As far as my knowledge goes, he did compose Sugar Pain and he composed Burial Applicant.

If you don't know me, you must know-I am a sucker for acoustic guitar and any sort of guitar. I mean, I grew up on Carlos Santana AND Michelle Branch for hell's sake.  Aoi does this very well, and it saddens me at times when I read interviews where he talks about how he doesn't have that skill. He doesn't seem to have any confidence in himself, though you wouldn't know by watching him onstage.

Look at him, this just SCREAMS confidence right?

Don't get me wrong-I like Uruha and he's a talented guitar player! But he overshadows Aoi a lot, and it's sort of upsetting for me when fans say that it's the other way around. Because it really isn't! I hear about how Uruha is a wonderful guitarist [AND HE IS] but let's give credit to the rhythm guitarist as well! If anything, Aoi deserves to have as many solos as Uruha does! I mean, we all heard Nausea&Shudder right, RIGHT?!

Aoi and Uruha, well despite all this-they play well together. You don't find a lot of bands where both the lead and rhythm have solos-and I'm glad that they implement each other's strong suits. And I'm sure they argue a bit-I mean they're in a band, it'd be frightening if they didn't argue. But I'm so happy that Aoi never left like he intended to.

Aoi didn't leave because of the fans. And possibly because Ruki and Uruha sat him down, but I believe most of it was due to the fans.

If Aoi left the GazettE, I couldn't handle it.

Let me get to the last point of this post and that's who Aoi is as a person. We all know from his twitter that he's quite the sensitive guy, and he has a lot of opinions that we all don't agree with from time to time. That is just who he is as a person, and this may just me being extremely bias-but I accept him for it.

There is not a single person in that band/crew that is perfect.

Though one thing for sure, if you're a friend of Aoi's-you're going to get treated well. Aoi cares about his friends, does things for them. He's the big brother who wants to take care of everyone and I LOVE HIM FOR IT.

THIS IS WHY I LOVE AOI.

I will scream to the heavens about this until I can no longer scream.

Whether you believe it or not-Lady Gaga HAS talent.

Now if you don't believe it-I kindly lead you to these songs.

Speechless.

Dance in the Dark

Also let's not forget about her tribute to Julie Andrews in her rendition of the Sound of Music. 

I get it, we all have different music tastes-but one things for certain. Lady Gaga has a set of lungs for her, and she can sing. I understand why people might not like her, but she knows how to get attention-and it's attention that she so deserves. I have never seen a musician like her, that loves what she does and loves her fans so much.

Lady Gaga writes all of her songs, she even wrote some songs for Britney Spears and the Pussycat Dolls. [Kesha is also a song-writer, who wrote songs for multiple people-but that's a post for another time!]

So every song on every one of her albums, is her own creation. 

Compliments to the Chef.

If you don't know it already, I love Bardroy.

Look at this cutie patootie.

Four years ago I joined Kurotumblr as Bardroy and ever since then I've grown to love my muse. It made me laugh a little considering at the time he wasn't even my favorite character, I was just addicted to making different rp blogs and no one at the time was roleplaying as him. So I had thought to myself I would give it a shot, and here I am still playing him and even developing some of his personality.

[I'm kidding....or am I?]

There's one thing I need from the manga, and that's Bard's past. Because there's a deep underlining in the chef that we get to see a glimpse of from time to time-but there's so much more to him. And it usually makes me so angry when everyone reduces him to a joke and he's anything but a joke.

Bardroy is a soldier. I play him as such, and of course I will play him the way he acts in the series as well.

Bard waiting for Diedrich's orders

In the latest chapters [+the Circus arc AND the Murder arc] one will get a glance into the reason Sebastian hired Bardroy. If you didn't catch it, Sebastian stated to Joker when the other called his servants 'amateurs'-that he hand picked the lot himself.

An army hand-selected by a demon.

Please keep in mind that this is one of the only instances where Sebastian praises his staff much less call them capable. While Ciel had a hand in Finny and possibly Meyrin's employment, there's indication that Sebastian was the one who sought Bardroy out himself. I had answered this before, but I will repeat when I say that the butler and the chef seem to have some special connection [and annoyance] to each other because of that reason.

Now I can go on and on about Sebastian's relationship with each servant, but I will save that for a later post.

Let's get back to Bardroy.

We all know Bard's personality by now. He's blunt, he's rude-and he just doesn't know when to shut up. But that's just the outer-persona that we see. If anyone were to look into Bard's personality, you will take notice that he's a little bit more gentle when dealing with certain people. Namely his young master [even though he says 'His horrible personality is showing' but it's bard, who would he be if he didn't throw quips at anyone?]

cutie

If Bard is to be described as one thing-it's grateful. When Ciel hands him some candy cigarettes [and proceeds to tell him to stop smoking so much], he bashfully thanks him. And as a Bard roleplayer, I've noticed tons of Bard's more gentle expressions. When he explains to Ciel that he hasn't been in Sebastian's room much-he almost looks outright apologetic.

And I don't think fans realize just how much Bardroy cares for the other servants and the young master. My favorite of course being his relationship with Meyrin, as he appears to treat her more kindly than anyone else in the manor. Yes, she's not exempt from his rudeness-but there's just a certain way he treats her that makes me think he might be in love with her. [Oh no, that's just my shippy side.]

He lost his friends before however, so I feel like that's what's pushing him most when he fights for the manor. He may not like war and battles, but he will still defend his territory and his family when he's needed. And he'll be outright cruel about it at times.

This is why Bard is an important character, this is why I am absolutely thirsty for more backstory on where he came from and who he was before he became the Phantomhive Chef.

Bard is truly a wonderful character and I'm glad I took the plunge when I decided to roleplay as him.

I see hate Elizabeth Midford's way-and once again I am here to defend her.

Also, I am quite aware that she is a fictional character and yes I am aware that even if she was real she could very well defend herself.

So my thoughts are resting on the pressing issue of Chapter 107 [which I haven't gotten to read yet, because it's still being translated!] and Lizzy's reaction to finding her fiance in a compromising position with another female. And on top of that, all the hate she is now getting again from people who just don't understand character flaws and development.

I was going to play Animal Crossing, but alas.  *cracks knuckles*

When I first saw the raw, I knew Lizzy haters would worm their way out of the woodwork and I already argued with one gal of that kind. While she claims to not be a 'hater', that she adores Lizzy-I simply reminded her of a time when Ciel was about to strike his fiance over a ring. Yes, I understand that ring that Ciel bares is precious to him and he was upset.

But that does not excuse him striking out at Lizzy in the first place.

And does Lizzy have any excuse for lashing out at Ciel? Yes and no. Someone mentioned that yes the ring is important to Ciel-but Ciel is important to Lizzy. Should she have reacted the way she had? No. She shouldn't have. That was a mistake that Lizzy as a human being with passionate emotions made.

Back in the good ole Victorian Days it was acceptable to marry your cousin for the sake of keeping the family line 'pure'. That was what I think the intent of Ciel and Lizzy's engagement to begin with. However, it would be humiliating on both parts should one side compromise that relationship and could potentially ruin the other's reputation.

So when Lizzy sees Ciel over Sullivan, she obviously doesn't know the situation and she's obviously upset. There already is alot that Ciel hides from Lizzy and I feel like she knows that. She knows Ciel hides things from her, and as the story progresses the more frustrated she gets. Obviously Sebastian stops her, and at the end of the chapter she is smiling at Sullivan and the two seem to get along just fine.

She gets over it. She realizes her mistake.

Now let me get onto the topic of Elizabeth's entire character and her relationship with Ciel.

It's obvious the two care about each other, whether it be familial or just love-it's up to interpretation right now.

I don't think a lot of fans realize just how much Elizabeth sacrifices for Ciel to make him happy, and to get really nothing in return. There will be fans who will say that Lizzy doesn't deserve Ciel, but really-it's the other way around. She sacrifices growing up just so Ciel will feel like he's an adult, she puts on this facade so he won't feel weak next to her. [and so he won't be scared of her-like he seems to be Frances]

Was her kick a mistake and lapse in judgement on Lizzy's part? Yes. She is acting on her emotions rather than her head-but she is probably under so much stress and the thought of losing Ciel in any form scares her.

She's already lost him once. 

Lizzy was literally trained from her childhood to be Ciel's protector. This is something a normal child probably shouldn't have to go through, but her mother understands the life that Ciel will lead and thus she must train Lizzy to be good at what she does. Do you think Frances wanted this for her daughter? Probably not, she'd probably be fine with Lizzy being safe and not having to fight. But she trusts her daughter to protect Ciel, and for Ciel to protect her.

She puts off becoming a 'teenager' or more adult just so Ciel will feel more adult. She's putting on this act for Ciel and he doesn't appreciate it. She's also tearing herself up inside because she doesn't know what happened to Ciel or why he's shut off for so long [she may get a hint-but never the full truth] and to me I feel like that's heartbreaking.

She loves Ciel. And why I emphasize love, is because her love is so pure and so innocent that it scares me actually. Her life from the beginning centered around Ciel, and when Ciel finally passes I am afraid that she will fall into a darkness that she won't be able to get out of.

I also mentioned before that Lizzy sort of represents light in Ciel's life.

[Just showing those above just to prove a point]

Anyways, CielXLizzy is one of my OTP's, but it's also my tragic OTP. Because there's just so much that they don't communicate to each other out of fear. [Ciel, mainly out of trying to protect Lizzy I think]

Is Lizzy perfect? No! She's human, who's whole life was and is centered around one boy. I feel like she needs to find her own identity-one that doesn't fall back onto Ciel.

Is Ciel perfect? Of course not!

I really just hate seeing Lizzy being demonized over one lapse of judgement in her character. It's called character development people!

Lizzy really is a precious cinnamon roll too precious for this fandom.