Music Playlist of 2019 so far.

It's hard to believe that we're four months into 2019, and honestly music wise I haven't been listening to anything new. 

Some of these songs were introduced to me via my friend, others I found while browsing other things and happened to like them. And most of them are stuff I've been listening to for a while now, but found a newfound appreciation for.

Xylo-Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

My friend introduced to me this a while back, but I always fall back to it when I'm feeling like listening to something while I read or relax. As of late I've been listening to Xylo quite a bit, easing myself into their music. 

Natalie Taylor-In the Air Tonight (Phil Collin's Cover)

I heard this song from this, and I fell in love with the cover. I will forever appreciate and love the original, but there's a certain feel to this that I really like.

Hayley Kiyoko+Kehlani-What I Need

Another artist that my friend introduced me to, and honestly listening to this song reminds me of a past relationship and how I came to terms with my sexuality. The music video is fun to watch to, but I linked to a lyric video just in case you don't want the scenes in.

Ciara-Paint it Black

Another cover, but I got into this song after my friend and I went to a Burlesque show in Salt Lake. A girl danced to this and I was actually surprised that it was Ciara who covered it.

Xylo-Afterlife

The last song on my small playlist of this year so far will be by Xylo again. I feel like out of all this songs on this list, this is the one I relate to most. 

--

That's all for my playlist of 2019, I don't have much to say about them either other than they're a little different than what I usually listen to. A lot of the other songs I've been listening to are the same I've been listening to for a while now, so I didn't feel the need to add them and repeat the same thing over. (ha ha)

Until next time.

 

Being an Aoi stan and how it affected my self-esteem+Self-worth.

I noticed some things about myself recently, and I honestly thought about this in correlation with Aoi being my bias all these years. And I always wondered what it was about him that I liked at first, why I always seemed to only care what he had to say and sometimes even worried about him a lot more than the others.

Growing up I didn't really have the best self esteem, or even sense of self-worth at all. I always thought I was lesser than my friends, my family, and everyone around me. In result I always had this 'self-important' attitude which I used as some sort of defense mechanism because I didn't really want people to see how low I felt about myself. This always resulted in me pushing friends away, whether it be by being purposefully hurtful or just straight up shutting them out.

It wasn't anything they had done either, it was just something I had always done to try and protect myself because I felt they would move on anyways and I felt it would hurt worse this way. 

While I hadn't done anything like that in a while, at least I hope I haven't, these thoughts linger in my head and I wonder what would have happened should I had been strong enough to combat my insecurities right away rather than letting them win all the time.

And back to the topic of Aoi-that was a trend I started to notice with him the more I got to know him.

I had pushed it to the back of my head back then, not really thinking about it until he really starting talking down on himself and talking about leaving the band. I always knew he was a bit moody, but thought that's just how he was and didn't really stop to think about how lowly he truly felt about himself because half the fandom was joking about how he thought he was a superstar and what not.

I feel like I stuck with Aoi throughout all these years because I watched him struggle, and not give up in the long run. He didn't give up for himself, for his fans, and for the people he cared about. Like Uruha had said, it wasn't that he ever stopped loving the GazettE, it was that he loved it too much and he didn't see himself much in the music they were producing. I can understand the lack of self-worth that he must have felt when his songs were getting rejected one after the other.

On that note, I am so glad that he's doing so much better where he's at now. 

As someone who's struggled with their own self-worth, I feel like I connected with him on a certain level. I watched him gradually become okay with himself, even though he still has his moments. And slowly he began to do things for himself, like with Taujan and with his new company. I'm proud of the things he's accomplished in these past few years, that I want to yell at him at how great he is just so he knows he has that support.

And I feel like he knows, I feel like part of the reason he stuck around so long was because of the support of his fans. 

It made me think about if Aoi can push through the self-doubt and uncertainty that is life-then so can I. And this is why I always tell people, he's my biggest inspiration.

Don't get me wrong, the rest of the band are inspiring too! 

But as an Aoi stan, it's refreshing to see him grow as a person. There are times where I worry about him, but honestly feel like he's in a better spot now.

And honestly, I feel like I am too. 

What it meant for me to be a Sixth Gun.

2018 was a weird year for me, personally and as far as fandoms go.

For the first half I was heavily into BTS music, though I can't say that I was heavily into the fandom. There are personal reasons why I don't delve into that fandom, but we'll talk about that in another blog post I suppose.

The thing is about my thing with fandoms is that I haven't been paying much attention to them, other than Marvel especially with Infinity War coming out. (And Ant Man 2)

But the Sixth Gun fandom has always been there for me to fall back on. It's always been considered my main fandom, even if I sometimes make myself scarce. And even if I get mad at most of the people in this fandom, I've also grown accustomed to the little friend group I've accumulated through this outlet.

Sure, I lose friends here and there, but I try not to think about it too much. Sometimes shit happens, sometimes it's just not meant to be. And if I've seemingly snubbed you or become distant, just know that it's just my personal choice and nothing against you.

(Okay wow, this turned into a different rant, but let's get back on topic...)

The last half of this year, the GazettE announced another World Tour. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was coming, and at first I didn't want it to happen. I know it sounds selfish of me, as I had wanted them to wait until I was able to save more, or actually be able to see them in Japan. But in a way....I'm glad.

Last time they came in 2016 I saw them at the Wiltern, and while I will always have fond memories of that trip-I somewhat regret my decision to not try to get VIP. I hadn't been getting paid well plus the fact that I didn't think it mattered if I got it or not.

I kept telling myself that I was too awkward of a person to meet them, but at the same time wished I had been able to convey just exactly how much I appreciate them.

Especially Aoi.

So when tickets went on sale, I was glad that I could budget my money that I could afford VIP this time. And I had chosen Dallas this time, for more personal reasons, mostly being that I really want to be able to meet a good friend who's also going to Dallas.

Even though it's four months away, I'm thinking of what I can say to each of them that conveys how much this band means to me. It allowed me to connect to people I otherwise wouldn't have connected with.

Despite being as awkward as I am, and lacking for words (if that's how you say it), my friends are patient with me and they understand. I never seem to have found that sort of friendship other places aside from a few other fandoms.

And for someone who grew up with hardly any close friends, well that's something.

~Favorite Albums as of 2018~

The GazettE-NINTH

Though I'm one of the few fans that liked DOGMA, or didn't have too much of a problem with it-NINTH was definitely a step up from their previous album. I didn't actually have high hopes for this album, considering it was supposed to be like another version of DOGMA. (?) I don't know if it's still considered that, but I'm glad it had a new feel to it.

A favorite off the album is definitely Utsusemi, and Abhor God is another that I adore.

FATELESS-coldrain

Technically this album came out in October of 2017, but it's still their most recent album so I'll count it. When this album came out, it's all I listened to. From start to finish the album is a masterpiece, and coldrain members seem to be back in Florida-which indicates that they may be working on something new! 

The only thing I have to say about this album, or just one song in particular, is R.I.P sounds like Danny California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It's still a good song, but I wish it hadn't sounded so much like it.

Some favorites off the album are ENVY, STAY, COLORBLIND, and their cover of UNINVITED.

BACCARAT-GOTCHAROCKA

Honestly, I've only listened to this mini-album once. Though it is a great mini-album, I'm still listening to SCREAMY a whole lot more. Though the song that this mini-album is named after, is still fun to listen to.

SCREAMY-GOTCHAROCKA

I know this album came out in May of last year, but I included it because GOTCHAROCKA is still actually really new to me. I didn't really start paying attention to them until early last year, and I liked them enough that I decided I was going to start buying their albums rather than find them on youtube like I usually do. 

ASH is a really fun song to listen to, and no it's not because it happens to be my name. I know Vidoll fans are a little wary most likely as this is different from what he did in that band, but Jui is doing great with his vocals.

Pray for the Wicked-Panic!at the Disco

While I've seen longtime 'fans' discredit this album, simply because the other members left and they feel Brendon should just use his name, I find this album to be innovative and great. Brendon always has had been influenced by earlier music trends, and I'm glad that he's implementing them into his own songs.

Pray for the Wicked is a fun album, though Death of a Bachelor might still be my favorite Panic! album to date. 

---

I only listed albums I actually own physically, so I'm not including albums that I stream on Spotify or online. So no BTS albums for this list, that's for another list I suppose (ha ha ha) 

Pray for the Wicked Tour w/ Hayley Kiyoko+A R I Z O N A

It's only been a couple of days since the concert, so my memory is foggy.

So I've seen Panic! at the Disco before which made this concert even more special since I was able to sing along with all of the songs rather than last time where I still enjoyed it-I just didn't know much of the songs other than the popular song "I Write Sins Not Tragedies". 

It was also especially great since I was with my friends who came down for a couple of days to hang out.

We got to the arena just in time for Hayley Kiyoko to start her set. My mind is a bit foggy, and since I'm still new to Hayley I didn't know some of the songs that she played. Plus the only downer of her set was that her mic wasn't turned up and it was hard to hear her sing, but this was also a problem for ARIZONA and Brendon at times. I do know that she sang Feelings, What I Need, Curious and Girls Like Girls.

Also she was really feeling her set and she waved the pride flag when she was singing Girls Like Girls, which was pretty cool. 

The next set was A R I Z O N A, who I don't know very well-and like Hayley I almost couldn't understand what the singer was singing. The only thing that really stood out for me was that the drummer was great. I don't know them very well, but I will have to add them to my Spotify to listen to them a bit more.

After that Panic! was on, and they played old songs until Brendon came on stage. (While we were waiting they did the same thing like last time and had a countdown to when the band would come on stage. Note about the stage-there was the regular stage, then a triangular stage with Panic!'s famous logo was on. When he played songs with the piano or another drummer, they would rise onto the stage through the dot on the exclamation mark.

They played Toto by Africa and the entire arena was singing it.

Instead of trying to remember what Brendon did during each song, I'll just give you the set list and then recall the moments I do remember. (My memory is foggy, shoot me.)

1.  (Fuck) A Silver Lining
2. Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time
3. Ready to Go (Get Me Out of My Mind)
4. Hey Look Ma I Made It
5. LA Devotee
6. Hallelujah 
7. The Ballad of Mona Lisa
8. Nine in the Afternoon (Piano came out of the exclamation mark.)
9. Golden Days
10. Casual Affair
11. Vegas Lights
12. Dancing's Not a Crime
13. This is Gospel
14. Death of a Bachelor (like usual, he walked through the crowd.)
15. I Can't Make You Love Me (cover of a Bonnie Raitt song? He was playing on a floating platform that floated to the stage.)
16. Dying in LA
17. Girls/Girls/Boys
18. Nicotine
19. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun 
20. High Hopes
21. Miss Jackson (He brought out another drumset and played with the drummer.)
22. King of the Clouds
23. Crazy=Genius
24. Bohemian Rhapsody
25. Emperor's New Clothes
26. Say Amen (Saturday Night) (This was the start of the Encore)
27. I Write Sins Not Tragedies
28. Victorious 

I must apologize and say I don't remember much of what Brendon did, I was too into singing the songs badly that I forgot to put them into my memory bank. I do know that during one of the song he jumped off a platform in a backflip, also jumped onto the stage from the floating piano platform. (I thought he was going to die, stop being so dramatic Brendon.) 

I do know that during encore he wasn't wearing a shirt.

Also when they entered the stage, the band rose onto the platform with their respective instruments, with Brendon rising from a circle close to the triangular stage. They had three people playing Trumpet, two people playing violin and another on cello, his normal drummer Dan Pawlovich, and his regular guitarist Kenneth. The bassist Nicole Row was super cute and she looked like she was having the time of her life.

That's about all I remember, if I remember more I'll edit this post. (I say that, but yet I never do lol)

Anyway, that's all. 

The first part of 2018's playlist.

I do a lot of these, but music is all I really want to talk about anymore. Or Mystic Messenger, but I don't really want to go into detail about that.

Also I'm excluding the times I'm at work, since I play it on the stereo in the Deli I work at so I can't really play the music I really want. I just stuff it on the 2000's rock/pop playlist on spotify and go from there.

Anyway this is music that I've been playing nonstop since the beginning of maybe March or February. Some old, some new (or new to me.)

BTS~Mic Drop Feat Steve Aoiki 

I told myself I wouldn't listen to them, but a friend of mine really likes BTS so I thought I'd give a song a try. So now I'm finding myself slowly easing into BTS, though they're one of the rare exceptions in my weird "I don't really want to listen to Kpop" ideal alongside Hyuna. 

coldrain~Inside Out

Personal reason why this song has been on repeat as of late, but it helps me deal with my anger whenever I think of a certain ex-friend of mine.

the Proclaimers~I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)

I'm not gonna lie, this song makes me immensely happy. Please don't make fun of me. 

the Eagles~Hotel California

I was raised on Hotel California, but I do have periods of time where it's almost all I listen to. The outro to this song is amazing.

Panic!at the Disco~Say Amen (Saturday Night)

Can I just say that other than the GazettE, I'm really anticipating Panic's new album? Which is also coming out this June, so I'm wondering how this is going to go. Say Amen and (Fuck) A Silver Lining are already showing promise as to how good Brendon still is. So I'm thinking that Pray for the Wicked is going to be a great album.

I'm also going to see them on this next tour, so there's something to look forward to.

Toto~Africa

I honestly could not tell you why I suddenly started listening to Africa by Toto, and no it had nothing to do with the Blastoise meme on tumblr that went around.

Josh Groban~Remember When It Rained

I get all my angst ideas from this song, if I'm going to be honest here.

---

That's about it, I have more but I'm tired and I don't want to think anymore. (HA)

Bye~

What my tattoo means to me.

I've always wanted a tattoo, when I turned 18 I vowed to get at least one during my lifetime. But figuring out what to get was a problem for me, as my mind was ever changing and half the tattoo ideas I had I couldn't even tell you what they were anymore.

As of May 3rd, 2016 though, I had decided. Though it was a small idea at first, the minute I heard Ruki sing "You can't take my soul away from me" live in person, I knew that's what I wanted. I had different ideas with it at first, just the lyric, or a pen writing it out (As I like to consider myself a writer still).

But I thought of the idea I had for another tattoo and thought "why not combine the two?" 

My tattoo, with lyrics from Vortex by the GazettE+ the Sampaguita flower.

My dad is from the Philippines, and that's always been an important factor growing up as a child. My parents would always tell us stories of how they met, and the place where my dad grew up. Being part Filipino has always been apart of my identity, and how I was raised. I wanted to have something that honored that, but I was short on ideas since my sister already has the national anthem in my dad's native tongue and my brother has the star.

That's where I came up with the idea for the Sampaguita flower, which is also the national flower of the Philippines and considered "The Philippine Jasmine".

Since I've been wanting both tattoos for a while, I thought about it and thought they went well together. So when I went to see my artist, we both played with ideas on what the design should look like and ultimately we went with this look which I love. It's still healing, so when it fully heals I'll post a picture for sure.

No one will be able to take away this identity from me, it's part of who I am and I feel like this tattoo represents how I feel as not only a Sixth Gun, but a person of Filipino descent.

But even if I grow distant from the GazettE and I'm no longer a fan, even though I'll always know the lyrics were from VORTEX, it also has it's meaning outside of the GazettE which is what makes it so special to me knowing that it'll grow with me in that sense.

Not only that, I'll always remember the connections I made within the Sixth Gun fandom. In the 12 years I've been a fan, I've made and lost friends, but I have made connections that I never thought I would before. I stepped out of my comfort zone tons of times just for this band, conquered my fear of flying and much more.

They've done so much for me as a person, and I'm glad that I get to represent them in this special way.