Being an Aoi stan and how it affected my self-esteem+Self-worth.

I noticed some things about myself recently, and I honestly thought about this in correlation with Aoi being my bias all these years. And I always wondered what it was about him that I liked at first, why I always seemed to only care what he had to say and sometimes even worried about him a lot more than the others.

Growing up I didn't really have the best self esteem, or even sense of self-worth at all. I always thought I was lesser than my friends, my family, and everyone around me. In result I always had this 'self-important' attitude which I used as some sort of defense mechanism because I didn't really want people to see how low I felt about myself. This always resulted in me pushing friends away, whether it be by being purposefully hurtful or just straight up shutting them out.

It wasn't anything they had done either, it was just something I had always done to try and protect myself because I felt they would move on anyways and I felt it would hurt worse this way. 

While I hadn't done anything like that in a while, at least I hope I haven't, these thoughts linger in my head and I wonder what would have happened should I had been strong enough to combat my insecurities right away rather than letting them win all the time.

And back to the topic of Aoi-that was a trend I started to notice with him the more I got to know him.

I had pushed it to the back of my head back then, not really thinking about it until he really starting talking down on himself and talking about leaving the band. I always knew he was a bit moody, but thought that's just how he was and didn't really stop to think about how lowly he truly felt about himself because half the fandom was joking about how he thought he was a superstar and what not.

I feel like I stuck with Aoi throughout all these years because I watched him struggle, and not give up in the long run. He didn't give up for himself, for his fans, and for the people he cared about. Like Uruha had said, it wasn't that he ever stopped loving the GazettE, it was that he loved it too much and he didn't see himself much in the music they were producing. I can understand the lack of self-worth that he must have felt when his songs were getting rejected one after the other.

On that note, I am so glad that he's doing so much better where he's at now. 

As someone who's struggled with their own self-worth, I feel like I connected with him on a certain level. I watched him gradually become okay with himself, even though he still has his moments. And slowly he began to do things for himself, like with Taujan and with his new company. I'm proud of the things he's accomplished in these past few years, that I want to yell at him at how great he is just so he knows he has that support.

And I feel like he knows, I feel like part of the reason he stuck around so long was because of the support of his fans. 

It made me think about if Aoi can push through the self-doubt and uncertainty that is life-then so can I. And this is why I always tell people, he's my biggest inspiration.

Don't get me wrong, the rest of the band are inspiring too! 

But as an Aoi stan, it's refreshing to see him grow as a person. There are times where I worry about him, but honestly feel like he's in a better spot now.

And honestly, I feel like I am too.