What it meant for me to be a Sixth Gun.

2018 was a weird year for me, personally and as far as fandoms go.

For the first half I was heavily into BTS music, though I can't say that I was heavily into the fandom. There are personal reasons why I don't delve into that fandom, but we'll talk about that in another blog post I suppose.

The thing is about my thing with fandoms is that I haven't been paying much attention to them, other than Marvel especially with Infinity War coming out. (And Ant Man 2)

But the Sixth Gun fandom has always been there for me to fall back on. It's always been considered my main fandom, even if I sometimes make myself scarce. And even if I get mad at most of the people in this fandom, I've also grown accustomed to the little friend group I've accumulated through this outlet.

Sure, I lose friends here and there, but I try not to think about it too much. Sometimes shit happens, sometimes it's just not meant to be. And if I've seemingly snubbed you or become distant, just know that it's just my personal choice and nothing against you.

(Okay wow, this turned into a different rant, but let's get back on topic...)

The last half of this year, the GazettE announced another World Tour. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was coming, and at first I didn't want it to happen. I know it sounds selfish of me, as I had wanted them to wait until I was able to save more, or actually be able to see them in Japan. But in a way....I'm glad.

Last time they came in 2016 I saw them at the Wiltern, and while I will always have fond memories of that trip-I somewhat regret my decision to not try to get VIP. I hadn't been getting paid well plus the fact that I didn't think it mattered if I got it or not.

I kept telling myself that I was too awkward of a person to meet them, but at the same time wished I had been able to convey just exactly how much I appreciate them.

Especially Aoi.

So when tickets went on sale, I was glad that I could budget my money that I could afford VIP this time. And I had chosen Dallas this time, for more personal reasons, mostly being that I really want to be able to meet a good friend who's also going to Dallas.

Even though it's four months away, I'm thinking of what I can say to each of them that conveys how much this band means to me. It allowed me to connect to people I otherwise wouldn't have connected with.

Despite being as awkward as I am, and lacking for words (if that's how you say it), my friends are patient with me and they understand. I never seem to have found that sort of friendship other places aside from a few other fandoms.

And for someone who grew up with hardly any close friends, well that's something.

~Favorite Albums as of 2018~

The GazettE-NINTH

Though I'm one of the few fans that liked DOGMA, or didn't have too much of a problem with it-NINTH was definitely a step up from their previous album. I didn't actually have high hopes for this album, considering it was supposed to be like another version of DOGMA. (?) I don't know if it's still considered that, but I'm glad it had a new feel to it.

A favorite off the album is definitely Utsusemi, and Abhor God is another that I adore.

FATELESS-coldrain

Technically this album came out in October of 2017, but it's still their most recent album so I'll count it. When this album came out, it's all I listened to. From start to finish the album is a masterpiece, and coldrain members seem to be back in Florida-which indicates that they may be working on something new! 

The only thing I have to say about this album, or just one song in particular, is R.I.P sounds like Danny California by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It's still a good song, but I wish it hadn't sounded so much like it.

Some favorites off the album are ENVY, STAY, COLORBLIND, and their cover of UNINVITED.

BACCARAT-GOTCHAROCKA

Honestly, I've only listened to this mini-album once. Though it is a great mini-album, I'm still listening to SCREAMY a whole lot more. Though the song that this mini-album is named after, is still fun to listen to.

SCREAMY-GOTCHAROCKA

I know this album came out in May of last year, but I included it because GOTCHAROCKA is still actually really new to me. I didn't really start paying attention to them until early last year, and I liked them enough that I decided I was going to start buying their albums rather than find them on youtube like I usually do. 

ASH is a really fun song to listen to, and no it's not because it happens to be my name. I know Vidoll fans are a little wary most likely as this is different from what he did in that band, but Jui is doing great with his vocals.

Pray for the Wicked-Panic!at the Disco

While I've seen longtime 'fans' discredit this album, simply because the other members left and they feel Brendon should just use his name, I find this album to be innovative and great. Brendon always has had been influenced by earlier music trends, and I'm glad that he's implementing them into his own songs.

Pray for the Wicked is a fun album, though Death of a Bachelor might still be my favorite Panic! album to date. 

---

I only listed albums I actually own physically, so I'm not including albums that I stream on Spotify or online. So no BTS albums for this list, that's for another list I suppose (ha ha ha) 

Pray for the Wicked Tour w/ Hayley Kiyoko+A R I Z O N A

It's only been a couple of days since the concert, so my memory is foggy.

So I've seen Panic! at the Disco before which made this concert even more special since I was able to sing along with all of the songs rather than last time where I still enjoyed it-I just didn't know much of the songs other than the popular song "I Write Sins Not Tragedies". 

It was also especially great since I was with my friends who came down for a couple of days to hang out.

We got to the arena just in time for Hayley Kiyoko to start her set. My mind is a bit foggy, and since I'm still new to Hayley I didn't know some of the songs that she played. Plus the only downer of her set was that her mic wasn't turned up and it was hard to hear her sing, but this was also a problem for ARIZONA and Brendon at times. I do know that she sang Feelings, What I Need, Curious and Girls Like Girls.

Also she was really feeling her set and she waved the pride flag when she was singing Girls Like Girls, which was pretty cool. 

The next set was A R I Z O N A, who I don't know very well-and like Hayley I almost couldn't understand what the singer was singing. The only thing that really stood out for me was that the drummer was great. I don't know them very well, but I will have to add them to my Spotify to listen to them a bit more.

After that Panic! was on, and they played old songs until Brendon came on stage. (While we were waiting they did the same thing like last time and had a countdown to when the band would come on stage. Note about the stage-there was the regular stage, then a triangular stage with Panic!'s famous logo was on. When he played songs with the piano or another drummer, they would rise onto the stage through the dot on the exclamation mark.

They played Toto by Africa and the entire arena was singing it.

Instead of trying to remember what Brendon did during each song, I'll just give you the set list and then recall the moments I do remember. (My memory is foggy, shoot me.)

1.  (Fuck) A Silver Lining
2. Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time
3. Ready to Go (Get Me Out of My Mind)
4. Hey Look Ma I Made It
5. LA Devotee
6. Hallelujah 
7. The Ballad of Mona Lisa
8. Nine in the Afternoon (Piano came out of the exclamation mark.)
9. Golden Days
10. Casual Affair
11. Vegas Lights
12. Dancing's Not a Crime
13. This is Gospel
14. Death of a Bachelor (like usual, he walked through the crowd.)
15. I Can't Make You Love Me (cover of a Bonnie Raitt song? He was playing on a floating platform that floated to the stage.)
16. Dying in LA
17. Girls/Girls/Boys
18. Nicotine
19. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun 
20. High Hopes
21. Miss Jackson (He brought out another drumset and played with the drummer.)
22. King of the Clouds
23. Crazy=Genius
24. Bohemian Rhapsody
25. Emperor's New Clothes
26. Say Amen (Saturday Night) (This was the start of the Encore)
27. I Write Sins Not Tragedies
28. Victorious 

I must apologize and say I don't remember much of what Brendon did, I was too into singing the songs badly that I forgot to put them into my memory bank. I do know that during one of the song he jumped off a platform in a backflip, also jumped onto the stage from the floating piano platform. (I thought he was going to die, stop being so dramatic Brendon.) 

I do know that during encore he wasn't wearing a shirt.

Also when they entered the stage, the band rose onto the platform with their respective instruments, with Brendon rising from a circle close to the triangular stage. They had three people playing Trumpet, two people playing violin and another on cello, his normal drummer Dan Pawlovich, and his regular guitarist Kenneth. The bassist Nicole Row was super cute and she looked like she was having the time of her life.

That's about all I remember, if I remember more I'll edit this post. (I say that, but yet I never do lol)

Anyway, that's all. 

The first part of 2018's playlist.

I do a lot of these, but music is all I really want to talk about anymore. Or Mystic Messenger, but I don't really want to go into detail about that.

Also I'm excluding the times I'm at work, since I play it on the stereo in the Deli I work at so I can't really play the music I really want. I just stuff it on the 2000's rock/pop playlist on spotify and go from there.

Anyway this is music that I've been playing nonstop since the beginning of maybe March or February. Some old, some new (or new to me.)

BTS~Mic Drop Feat Steve Aoiki 

I told myself I wouldn't listen to them, but a friend of mine really likes BTS so I thought I'd give a song a try. So now I'm finding myself slowly easing into BTS, though they're one of the rare exceptions in my weird "I don't really want to listen to Kpop" ideal alongside Hyuna. 

coldrain~Inside Out

Personal reason why this song has been on repeat as of late, but it helps me deal with my anger whenever I think of a certain ex-friend of mine.

the Proclaimers~I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)

I'm not gonna lie, this song makes me immensely happy. Please don't make fun of me. 

the Eagles~Hotel California

I was raised on Hotel California, but I do have periods of time where it's almost all I listen to. The outro to this song is amazing.

Panic!at the Disco~Say Amen (Saturday Night)

Can I just say that other than the GazettE, I'm really anticipating Panic's new album? Which is also coming out this June, so I'm wondering how this is going to go. Say Amen and (Fuck) A Silver Lining are already showing promise as to how good Brendon still is. So I'm thinking that Pray for the Wicked is going to be a great album.

I'm also going to see them on this next tour, so there's something to look forward to.

Toto~Africa

I honestly could not tell you why I suddenly started listening to Africa by Toto, and no it had nothing to do with the Blastoise meme on tumblr that went around.

Josh Groban~Remember When It Rained

I get all my angst ideas from this song, if I'm going to be honest here.

---

That's about it, I have more but I'm tired and I don't want to think anymore. (HA)

Bye~

What my tattoo means to me.

I've always wanted a tattoo, when I turned 18 I vowed to get at least one during my lifetime. But figuring out what to get was a problem for me, as my mind was ever changing and half the tattoo ideas I had I couldn't even tell you what they were anymore.

As of May 3rd, 2016 though, I had decided. Though it was a small idea at first, the minute I heard Ruki sing "You can't take my soul away from me" live in person, I knew that's what I wanted. I had different ideas with it at first, just the lyric, or a pen writing it out (As I like to consider myself a writer still).

But I thought of the idea I had for another tattoo and thought "why not combine the two?" 

My tattoo, with lyrics from Vortex by the GazettE+ the Sampaguita flower.

My dad is from the Philippines, and that's always been an important factor growing up as a child. My parents would always tell us stories of how they met, and the place where my dad grew up. Being part Filipino has always been apart of my identity, and how I was raised. I wanted to have something that honored that, but I was short on ideas since my sister already has the national anthem in my dad's native tongue and my brother has the star.

That's where I came up with the idea for the Sampaguita flower, which is also the national flower of the Philippines and considered "The Philippine Jasmine".

Since I've been wanting both tattoos for a while, I thought about it and thought they went well together. So when I went to see my artist, we both played with ideas on what the design should look like and ultimately we went with this look which I love. It's still healing, so when it fully heals I'll post a picture for sure.

No one will be able to take away this identity from me, it's part of who I am and I feel like this tattoo represents how I feel as not only a Sixth Gun, but a person of Filipino descent.

But even if I grow distant from the GazettE and I'm no longer a fan, even though I'll always know the lyrics were from VORTEX, it also has it's meaning outside of the GazettE which is what makes it so special to me knowing that it'll grow with me in that sense.

Not only that, I'll always remember the connections I made within the Sixth Gun fandom. In the 12 years I've been a fan, I've made and lost friends, but I have made connections that I never thought I would before. I stepped out of my comfort zone tons of times just for this band, conquered my fear of flying and much more.

They've done so much for me as a person, and I'm glad that I get to represent them in this special way.

My CD collection~

Warning, this will be a long post. I'm also thinking of getting rid of a few of these CD's, but not sure of what so I will come back and put an (*) on those I would like to get rid of. [Though some of them I think I can just give away, they might not even be worth selling]

Also a lot of these CD's are old, beat up, and I only showed what I had. I am missing some artist's CD's for some reason [Like my Flyleaf album 'Memento Mori] so I excluded some actual CD's I do have.

I will start with my non-j-rock bands.

My favorite GazettE songs.

Since I'm tired, and should be sleeping soon, I don't think I'll go into much reason or even link to the songs I'm listing. Simply because most won't be on their vevo, and youtube tends to jump on the copyright thing quick so most songs won't be available for long, if at all.

• Vortex~Personal reason why I like Vortex so much, but hearing it live amplified my love for it. I plan on a tattoo surrounding this song in the near future.
• Cassis~I hear this song is overrated according to some fans, but honestly I love it. It's a lovely ballad, and it's the song that got me into the GazettE even further. I was sad that I couldn't hear Aoi's acoustic in the newer version, but happy with his solo at the end as always.
• Undying~Honestly can't get enough of this song, especially hearing it live. I love how well Ruki's voice has improved over the years, and I think this song showcases his improvement to be honest.
• Headache Man~Only thing I need to say I was sourly disappointed not hearing this song live.
• 13 [Stairs]~Ruki, why you no play this song in LA? T___T
• Filth in the Beauty~Honestly, even though this is the most overplayed song, hearing it live was an experience and I'm glad they at least humored us in playing it.
• VENOMOUS SPIDER WEB~You should've heard me scream when they started playing it in LA.
• Ugly~Good song to listen to when I'm pissed.
• All of NIL~God bless this album. 
• All of DIM~GOD FUCKING BLESS THIS ALBUM.
• DOGMA~Took me a while to appreciate it, but it's a pretty rad song.
• DEUX~I like the concept tbh.

I'm....I'm so tired, I'm just going to end it here.

Goodnight.

[I'll add on when I'm not as tired.]